dLife | If Luke Skywalker Had Diabetes

There’s probably a good reason why iconic film characters don’t tend to have diabetes. I was curious to see how diabetes might play out in a classic scene from a classic film.  Stay tuned for more to come. Here’s the first installment. It comes from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.

 

The scene:

 

After landing on Yavin IV, the Death Star plans are analyzed by the Rebel Alliance and a weakness is discovered that could potentially destroy the deadly space station. Teenage moisture farmer and Jedi-in-training Luke Skywalker, recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, is called upon to destroy the evil Death Star and save the Rebel base from total obliteration.

 

Luke’s X-wing speeds down the trench; three TIE fighters, still in perfect unbroken formation, tail close behind.

 

Biggs looks around at the TIE fighters. He is worried.

 

BIGGS: Hurry, Luke, they’re coming in much faster this time. I can’t hold them!

 

The three TIE fighters move ever closer, closing in on Luke and Biggs.

 

LUKE: R2, try and increase the power!

 

Stealthily, the TIE formation creeps closer.

 

Vader adjusts his control stick.

 

Luke looks into his targeting device. He moves it away for a moment and ponders its use. He looks back into the computer targeter. He begins to sweat, feeling disoriented and shaky.

 

BIGGS: (over headset) Hurry up, Luke!

 

LUKE: Hang on Biggs! I think I’m low.

 

BIGGS: (sighing) Are you freaking kidding me? Now???

 

Vader and his wingmen race through the Death Star trench. Biggs moves in to cover for Luke, but Vader gains on him.

 

Biggs sees the TIE fighter aiming at him.

 

BIGGS: Luke, Hurry!!!

 

LUKE: Hang on, Biggs. (fumbling) Stupid test strip!

 

BIGGS: Luke, please!!!!

 

LUKE: (over headset) I knew it! 42. Forty frickin’ two.  This makes no sense at all!

 

R2: Beep boop beeeeeeeeeeep!

 

LUKE: (checking insulin pump) R2? Is that you or me?

 

R2: Beep boop beeeeeeeeeeep!

 

LUKE: (irritated) Yes, I ate, R2! I had poached icefish and a glass of bantha milk just before we left the base!

 

BIGGS: Luke!!!

 

Vader squeezes the fire button on his controls.

 

Biggs’ cockpit explodes around him, lighting him in red. Biggs’ ship bursts into a million flaming bits and scatters across the surface.

 

Inside the War Room, Princess Leia and the others stare at the computer board. Leia returns her general’s worried and doubtful glances with solid, grim determination. C-3PO seems nervous.

 

LEIA: Luke! Can you hear me? It’s Leia. Is it possible you over-bolused for the icefish?

 

Three TIE fighters charge away down the trench toward Luke.

 

LUKE: (irritated) No! I didn’t bolus at all for the icefish! When are you going to understand that icefish has no carbs? It’s a free food. We talk about free foods all the time. It’s not such a difficult concept!

 

Vader’s finger’s curls around the control stick.

 

LUKE: And not only that, I barely bolused for the bantha milk. I figured the adrenaline of the mission would send my sugar soaring. Ugh! I hate this disease!

 

Luke lines up the yellow cross-hair lines of the targeting device’s screen. He looks into the targeting device and feeling weak, he starts to close his eyes, losing consciousness.

 

BEN KENOBI’S VOICE: Use the snack, Luke.

 

Luke looks up at the voice. His fighter streaks through the trench.

 

Vader follows Luke’s X-wing down the trench.

 

BEN’S VOICE: Luke, trust me. Use the snack.

 

Luke’s hand reaches for a bowl of stackleberry nuts on the control panel and pops a handful of the sugary treats into his mouth. Within minutes Luke regains his strength.

 

BASE VOICE: (over speaker) Luke, you switched off your targeting computer. What’s wrong?

 

LUKE: (over speaker) Nothing. I’m all right.

 

The three TIE fighters move in on Luke. As Vader’s center fighter unleashes a volley of laserfire, one of the TIE ships at his side is hit and explodes into flame. The two remaining ships continue to move in. Vader’s ship spins out of control, heading for deep space.

 

The Millennium Falcon arrives just in time. Han Solo and Chewbacca grin from ear to ear.

 

HAN: (into mic) You’re all clear, kid. How’s your blood sugar?

 

LUKE: It’s OK, I think.

 

HAN: Now let’s blow this thing and go home!

 

Luke fires his laser torpedoes into the exhaust port and into the main reactor. The Death Star explodes, bursting into a supernova.

 

Luke is at ease and his eyes are closed.

 

BEN’S VOICE: Remember, the Snack should be with you … always.

 

HAN: Great shot, kid. That was one in a million.

 

HAN: Hey kid?

 

LUKE: Yeah, Han.

 

HAN: Do me one favor. No more intergalactic combat until you outgrow that diabetes, OK?

 

LUKE: (fake laughter) Deal!

 

HAN: (laughing)

 

LUKE: (muttering under breath) Idiot!

 

 

(Portion of script taken from Journal of the Whills by George Lucas)

 

Coming soon to Blogabetes:

 

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory with Charlie Bucket, diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 3.

 

CHARLIE BUCKET: (upon entering Willy Wonka’s glorious candy-filled factory) Are you !%#$@ kidding me?

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